The Double Closet: Pride, Performance, and the Shadows We Hide

William Koehler Koehler Author

During Pride Month, many queer folks feel pressure to appear joyful while hiding pain. This post explores shadow work, healing, and queer authenticity

It’s June, and rainbow flags are rising across cities and small towns alike. Pride Month is here again. For many queer folks, it’s a time of celebration, protest, and reflection—a public declaration of identity and resilience. And yet, beneath the glitter and gatherings, many of us carry a private truth we rarely speak aloud:

Pride can also be a performance.

Earlier this week, I read the beginning of a Substack post by Gino Cosme titled The Double Closet. Even in just the preview, he named something that stuck with me: the pressure queer people often feel to hide their struggles with mental health during Pride. We don’t want to “ruin the vibe.” We feel obligated to be strong, joyful, and polished—especially when representing our communities or causes.

I felt a pang of recognition. That pressure? I’ve lived it.

The Pride Booth Moment

A few years ago, I was at a Pride event representing an organization I was deeply involved with. My best friend was by my side. The sun was blazing, the music was thumping, and the festival was alive with energy. And then, out of nowhere, we ran into someone we’d had a recent and painful falling out with.

They were stationed at the info booth of their own organization. The moment they saw us, their face lit up with a kind of forced cheerfulness. “Oh my gosh, hi! Can I get a hug?” they asked—like nothing had happened.

My best friend—ever the truth-teller—snorted and turned away, heading toward another booth. But I? I smiled. I nodded. I gave them a hug.

Outwardly, I was all warmth. Inwardly, I felt… like a liar.

That moment still makes me cringe. I wasn’t ready to reconnect, but I didn’t want to cause a scene or be labeled “dramatic.” I was representing something bigger than myself, and I told myself I had to “be the bigger person.” But what I really did was stuff down my truth to keep the peace.

That’s what The Double Closet can look like: smiling when we’re hurting, performing connection when we feel betrayed, offering a hug when our heart is still sore.

The Collective Closet of Pride

That moment at the booth wasn’t just personal. It was a microcosm of something so many of us carry.

Pride is beautiful. But for many queer folks—especially those of us who’ve lived through religious trauma, family rejection, or years of secrecy—it can also be exhausting. We show up, we smile, we organize and educate. We post the perfect photos. We dress our truth, even if our truth is still unraveling.

And sometimes, we do all this while silently battling anxiety, depression, shame, or loneliness.
We show up to celebrate our identity—while secretly hiding our inner world.
We come out… but go back in.

That’s the Double Closet.

Shadow Work as a Practice of Pride

In my own healing journey—and in the work I do with clients—I’ve come to think of Shadow Work as a kind of Pride Practice.

It’s the inner part of coming out. Not just about being seen in our identity, but being seen in our wholeness. The grief and rage. The betrayals. The old masks and survival patterns that helped us get this far but now keep us stuck.

To me, Shadow Work is sacred. It asks:

• What parts of myself have I pushed away to survive?

• Where have I had to lie to be accepted—even in “safe” spaces?

• What would it mean to tell the truth now, even gently?

For Therapists and Healers: A Note of Invitation

If you’re a clinician, especially one working with LGBTQ+ clients, this might be the season to reflect:

• Where might you be in a double closet?

• Where have you internalized messages about always being regulated, cheerful, or “professional”—even when the truth is harder?

Doing your own shadow work doesn’t make you less effective. It makes you safer.

This month, A trusted colleague of mine (Kriss Jarecki, LCSW) and I will be teaching a couple of trainings specifically for mental health professionals working with queer communities:

• Journey from Trauma to Triumph in the Queer Community (June 19 – live online, CE eligible)
  
  

• Healing with Pride: Queer Affirmative EMDR (June 20 – for EMDR clinicians, with CEs and EMDRIA credits)
  
  

If you're interested, I’d love to have you join us.

If You’re on a Personal Journey…

I’m also leading a mini-series on Shadow Work over on Substack, called Journey Through the Shadows. It’s part myth, part memoir, and part healing map. If you’re feeling heavy or hidden this Pride season, know you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.

You can start here: “The Circle Is Where I Begin Again”

... Step Into the Light, Your Way

You don’t have to hug someone who hurt you.
You don’t have to smile through a season that’s hard.
And you sure as hell don’t have to be “okay” just because it’s June.

Pride began in protest. And today, it can still be a radical act—to tell the truth.
To reclaim all of yourself.
To step out of every closet, even the ones we build inside.

This Pride, come out in all your colors. Even the dark ones.

Categories: : LGBTQ+